Good Evening,
I would say everyone, but judging from the lack of followers/comments the numbers may be minimal, but good evening to anyone that does happen to read my blog.
This round is about relationships, why am I writing this, well lets just say it is not to provide advice on how to make them work, more so what to avoid, and what not to do.
From my earlier post you know that I am divorced, so the knot tying didn't work out too well, lets just say I am not as much of an experienced woodsman as I thought I was, that charade unravelled faster than it began.
Here I find myself in a new relationship, but somehow drawn back to the same dilemas, and drama. Is there really such thing as a healthy relationship, or are we all just kidding ourselves.
I wish that a panel of women would get together and co-write a book on the inner workings of the female brain and also a handbook similar to those that you would pick up if you were travelling and wanted the common phrases of that country's language. Instead this would be more like, if a woman says this....than she really means this...Because we all know that women have their own communication code, one that is harder to decipher and crack than the security of the pentagon. This is where the men usually fail and ultimately the relationship fails. I mean if you want to say someting, why not just come out with it, why do I need to learn to translate? Are we brodcasting in multiple countries? Sign Language? Are we being spied on?
Another interesting difference between the male and female species is their differences of opinoion. I believe this is a result of a woman believing what she wants, not whats clear and in front of her. I believe women fail to realize that no matter what their relationship is with another man, the basics of that relationship are that the man wants to sleep with her. He may never come out and say it, or ever pursue it, but we men know what the real story is because we feel the same way.
Try telling this to a woman and oh no, my ex boyfriend and I are just friends. I don't believe that this is possible. Once a man and a woman have decided to take a journey together down a certain path, I find it hard to believe that they forget where the path leads just because the relationship didn't work out. The ex wants to travel the path, he just doesn't want the headaches of the relationship.
The only thing worse for a relationship than an ex is the single ex, that can't find a new partner as quickly as they like, so they try to rejeuvinate things with their last partner even though they have switched things up and found someone else to play with. There are so many people that are single and unhappy that would like nothing more than to pull the happy people apart. Everyone wants what they cant have.
Relationships, I'm not the expert, but the experiences that I have been through have taught me more than some. Believe what you want, but I think Gene Simmons has the theory Mastered and I think he has reached full relationship Jedi status. It is unreasonable for two people to be happily married for the rest of their lives. We usually laugh when he says he has been happily unmarried for over twenty years.
Honesty, protection, and realization are the keys to a happy coexistience, don't believe me, well hopefully you dont find out the way that I did, but dont say that I didnt warn ya.
Good Luck Everyone, or is it Only One, Bahahahaha!
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
TigerWoods
Good Evening,
After following the drama that has been unfolding in the case of Tiger Woods, I have finally realized what led to all of the transgressions, it was the game of golf itself. The very game that the man spent his life mastering.
If you think about it carefully you will realize that it is not Tiger's fault, imagine spending your whole life playing, and making a tremendous living, with your club and balls. All those holes, all over the world. His sole purpose in life was to try and put his ball in those holes. This has to affect ones mind, and now he is being ridiculed for actions similar to those that have made him famous.
Can you compare his situation with the golf course yes, an important lesson for tiger is that unlike golf, in life you have to be disciplined and limit your club and balls to only one hole at a time!
After following the drama that has been unfolding in the case of Tiger Woods, I have finally realized what led to all of the transgressions, it was the game of golf itself. The very game that the man spent his life mastering.
If you think about it carefully you will realize that it is not Tiger's fault, imagine spending your whole life playing, and making a tremendous living, with your club and balls. All those holes, all over the world. His sole purpose in life was to try and put his ball in those holes. This has to affect ones mind, and now he is being ridiculed for actions similar to those that have made him famous.
Can you compare his situation with the golf course yes, an important lesson for tiger is that unlike golf, in life you have to be disciplined and limit your club and balls to only one hole at a time!
OldSchool
Wow this title thing is really getting old.....
Isn't technology a wonderful thing, who remembers the days of the type writer? I remember we had an ancient one when I was a kid, and we thought it was the greatest thing ever, we used to pretend we were like Poppa, working at the newspaper. It was great till we used the same machine when we were a little older and wanted to impress the teacher.
I remember dad had to lift the thing out of the closet for us when it was time for homework, cause it was so big and cumbersome that my brother and I couldn't lift it together.
This girl was electric, had a nice humming noise similar to a jack hammer trying to crack through pavement. And I don't know if it wasn't invented at this time or not but we didn't have correction fluid, white out, or whatever you want to call it. But we were two of the smartest kids in the class. Presentations, book reports, projects...straight A's.
Why...Imagine starting with your assignment, typing away with the ever popular hen pecking technique that I still apply today. Three paragraphs in and bam, uh oh you hit two keys at once...restart, by the third time u feel like hurling the annoying beast through the window, only problem is, cant lift it. So you continue, then you hit the space bar prematurely, or roll down and then want to go back, oh this is where it gets fun, typing over your previous sentence, good times, and now your steaming mad, and ready for the next dose of Ritalin.
By the time the assignment was done, you had the words permanently etched and ingrained into your memory, blew the teache right out of her chair, worth the A? A lot of wasted hours that I will never get back.
THat old girl still sits in the closet, Pops just can't seem to part with it!
Isn't technology a wonderful thing, who remembers the days of the type writer? I remember we had an ancient one when I was a kid, and we thought it was the greatest thing ever, we used to pretend we were like Poppa, working at the newspaper. It was great till we used the same machine when we were a little older and wanted to impress the teacher.
I remember dad had to lift the thing out of the closet for us when it was time for homework, cause it was so big and cumbersome that my brother and I couldn't lift it together.
This girl was electric, had a nice humming noise similar to a jack hammer trying to crack through pavement. And I don't know if it wasn't invented at this time or not but we didn't have correction fluid, white out, or whatever you want to call it. But we were two of the smartest kids in the class. Presentations, book reports, projects...straight A's.
Why...Imagine starting with your assignment, typing away with the ever popular hen pecking technique that I still apply today. Three paragraphs in and bam, uh oh you hit two keys at once...restart, by the third time u feel like hurling the annoying beast through the window, only problem is, cant lift it. So you continue, then you hit the space bar prematurely, or roll down and then want to go back, oh this is where it gets fun, typing over your previous sentence, good times, and now your steaming mad, and ready for the next dose of Ritalin.
By the time the assignment was done, you had the words permanently etched and ingrained into your memory, blew the teache right out of her chair, worth the A? A lot of wasted hours that I will never get back.
THat old girl still sits in the closet, Pops just can't seem to part with it!
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
रोउन्द 4
Bahahaha, title is still not working, I've always been someone with little to no patience, a poster boy for anger management if you will, something as petty as computer issues and I fell like jamming the keyboard in the dead center of the monitor, then turn the desk into splinters and wrap the whole thing up with the cords, then try and take it back to Future shop for a refund, wonder if that would work....
Another day is done and gone in Dairyville, and tomorrow is hump day, weekend countdown will soon begin. I am going to stay away from the single malts this time. Ended up taking my lady to a Wine and Scotch bar, seemed like a good idea to me. Great place, quiet, very friendly owner, came to the table introduced himself and gave us a brief history on Scotch.
I order an ounce straight up, 7.50 a shot, hmm, can by a bottle of Colt 45 for that much, but hey want to enjoy a nice night out. Next shot is 9.50, orange had a vomit smell, but actually quite tasty. 9.50...not sure it was worth it, but if you are ever in need of heat, to hell with the hot mits or a bonfire, just crack open a bottle of Glenmorangie. Last shot 12.50, I could have went all the way to 25, reminded me of Deal or No Deal, but I stayed at three, this added to the bottle of wine was proving to be plenty, especially with the Honda parked outside. Well three shots in, internal temp of 107, and I go to get up, slight loss of communication with the spinal cord, the fat guy is a little tipsy, home for bed...no, off to the dance bar and shifting gears to some barley soup, oh yes here comes the poor mans JT, beer guzzling till close, lets just say the scotch, wine, beer, smoke mix proved to be a recipe for disaster, ole JJ woke up the next day and had to take the kids to the company kids xmas party.
Ever have to be around ur coworkers with a steel splitting headache, nauseaus stomach, and still dizzy, ohhh yes, add some Coke Zero and some Nacho popcorn and throw in a scene from Jim Carrey's the Grinch at the Who pudding tasting and lets just say I was choking down the popcorn butter and barley for an hour, yes sweet little Sunday it was, famous last words....never again...well not until the weekend!
Another day is done and gone in Dairyville, and tomorrow is hump day, weekend countdown will soon begin. I am going to stay away from the single malts this time. Ended up taking my lady to a Wine and Scotch bar, seemed like a good idea to me. Great place, quiet, very friendly owner, came to the table introduced himself and gave us a brief history on Scotch.
I order an ounce straight up, 7.50 a shot, hmm, can by a bottle of Colt 45 for that much, but hey want to enjoy a nice night out. Next shot is 9.50, orange had a vomit smell, but actually quite tasty. 9.50...not sure it was worth it, but if you are ever in need of heat, to hell with the hot mits or a bonfire, just crack open a bottle of Glenmorangie. Last shot 12.50, I could have went all the way to 25, reminded me of Deal or No Deal, but I stayed at three, this added to the bottle of wine was proving to be plenty, especially with the Honda parked outside. Well three shots in, internal temp of 107, and I go to get up, slight loss of communication with the spinal cord, the fat guy is a little tipsy, home for bed...no, off to the dance bar and shifting gears to some barley soup, oh yes here comes the poor mans JT, beer guzzling till close, lets just say the scotch, wine, beer, smoke mix proved to be a recipe for disaster, ole JJ woke up the next day and had to take the kids to the company kids xmas party.
Ever have to be around ur coworkers with a steel splitting headache, nauseaus stomach, and still dizzy, ohhh yes, add some Coke Zero and some Nacho popcorn and throw in a scene from Jim Carrey's the Grinch at the Who pudding tasting and lets just say I was choking down the popcorn butter and barley for an hour, yes sweet little Sunday it was, famous last words....never again...well not until the weekend!
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
३र्द Round
I know, two in one day may be pushing it, but I need the practice. The Title is still not cooperating, I could have a lot of fun circulating emails to random people with the hieragliphic symbols. Put the read receipt and the urgent notifications, have everybody wondering what's going on.
Just finished up the day, at that dinner bell couldn't have sounded any sweeter.
I'm contemplating a career change, would love to go back to school, but with an everest amount of bills and kids to support its really not in the cards.
I have been considering a career in law enforcement, something I'm sure a lot of young boys dreamnt about doing, after watching The Lone Ranger or Miami Vice, but the dream has always been in the back of my mind. I starting doing some research on the application process and was kinda stunned to see that there is a polygraph test that is administered. The list of questions basically ask every question imaginable. Not only are the questions yes or no, but there is a space allotted for dates, time, location of said event.
Now, I don't know about the rest of you, but does this really sound like a good idea. I've never committed any serious crimes, but the thought of being hooked up to a polygraph and having the Captain blast you with possibly incriminating questions is enough to make one ponder whether it is a good career choice or not. Can you imagine answering truthfully to something you did do wrong and having the room fill with uniformed officers circling you, telling you to put your hands behind your back and turn around, crack there go the cuffs, and you just voluntarily testified and signed a confession. I was never the sharpest tool in the shed, but could you imagine trying to explain to your employer that you took the day off for an appointment, and now wabaam, your given a court date.
I question whether this is something I would really want to do, serve and protect the public, yes honourable, but do I really want to train to be someone who voluntarily pursues the criminal segment of our population, someone facing life in prison, no regard for human life. I think I have a bad day in the office, monotonous paper work and come home with a splitting headache on one hand, exciting meaningful career with the possibility of someone turning my head into a canoe on the other...hmmmm, not looking so appealing any more.
Oh well I will figure it out one of these days, but I do feel a sense of urgency at 33, I cant imagine myself at 50 with an even bigger belly resting on my knees, and even bigger man boobs resting on my belly, three triple by passes later, and still sitting in the now moulded to my chewed bubble gum buttocks chair that I did twenty years earlier.
The question is what to do. I started taking this query to the streets with little sucess. I would be out somewher and see a man or woman getting into a porsche, lambo, hummer, or doing some yard work at a luxurios 20,000 square foot palace, and I would walk over to them and simply say Hi, may I ask you some questions? And usually the response would involve several expletives, or who the hell are you or Jane go call the police. If I was able to get the opportunity I would try to get in what do you do for a living? How did you get into the field? I've only made it to the third question once, and it is still under investigation, I asked an elderly couple driving a Bentley, wearing matching Breitling's, and dressed to the nine's if they would like to adopt me, I do not recommend that you try this at home. So I'm back to the drawing board,
Cheers everyone, see ya next time for Round 4!
Just finished up the day, at that dinner bell couldn't have sounded any sweeter.
I'm contemplating a career change, would love to go back to school, but with an everest amount of bills and kids to support its really not in the cards.
I have been considering a career in law enforcement, something I'm sure a lot of young boys dreamnt about doing, after watching The Lone Ranger or Miami Vice, but the dream has always been in the back of my mind. I starting doing some research on the application process and was kinda stunned to see that there is a polygraph test that is administered. The list of questions basically ask every question imaginable. Not only are the questions yes or no, but there is a space allotted for dates, time, location of said event.
Now, I don't know about the rest of you, but does this really sound like a good idea. I've never committed any serious crimes, but the thought of being hooked up to a polygraph and having the Captain blast you with possibly incriminating questions is enough to make one ponder whether it is a good career choice or not. Can you imagine answering truthfully to something you did do wrong and having the room fill with uniformed officers circling you, telling you to put your hands behind your back and turn around, crack there go the cuffs, and you just voluntarily testified and signed a confession. I was never the sharpest tool in the shed, but could you imagine trying to explain to your employer that you took the day off for an appointment, and now wabaam, your given a court date.
I question whether this is something I would really want to do, serve and protect the public, yes honourable, but do I really want to train to be someone who voluntarily pursues the criminal segment of our population, someone facing life in prison, no regard for human life. I think I have a bad day in the office, monotonous paper work and come home with a splitting headache on one hand, exciting meaningful career with the possibility of someone turning my head into a canoe on the other...hmmmm, not looking so appealing any more.
Oh well I will figure it out one of these days, but I do feel a sense of urgency at 33, I cant imagine myself at 50 with an even bigger belly resting on my knees, and even bigger man boobs resting on my belly, three triple by passes later, and still sitting in the now moulded to my chewed bubble gum buttocks chair that I did twenty years earlier.
The question is what to do. I started taking this query to the streets with little sucess. I would be out somewher and see a man or woman getting into a porsche, lambo, hummer, or doing some yard work at a luxurios 20,000 square foot palace, and I would walk over to them and simply say Hi, may I ask you some questions? And usually the response would involve several expletives, or who the hell are you or Jane go call the police. If I was able to get the opportunity I would try to get in what do you do for a living? How did you get into the field? I've only made it to the third question once, and it is still under investigation, I asked an elderly couple driving a Bentley, wearing matching Breitling's, and dressed to the nine's if they would like to adopt me, I do not recommend that you try this at home. So I'm back to the drawing board,
Cheers everyone, see ya next time for Round 4!
२
Well that is a good way to start the second installment, cant seem to enter a title, getting some form of ancient script instead of Round 2, anyway just another frustrating experience on this the second day of the work week.
To start the day off my 2003 Dodge Caravan was being difficult, just like me didn't want to get going at 6am on a cold winter morning, bucking and missing all the way to work, fired up the first cigarette of the day and went to flick the ash, oh yes window was frozen, had to turn the old girl into the world's largest mechanized ash tray. Always an eciting feature when you are looking at putting it up for sale. Very attractive Butane Blue, dented bumper and severley damaged interior which is a story for another day.
Anyway a typical day in the office, conversing with coworkers, some hell bent on playing the sandbox blame game, you know, when the boss asks who's responsible, everyone points in a different direction, and we're talking grown folks.
Nothing worse than when someone tries to pin you with their mistake, that is when you wish you were Adam Sandler in Click, hit the pause button, unleash some Chuck Norris whoop ass, and then hit play.
Tiger Woods in the news again, poor bugger, is anyone surprised that the world number one golfer has had "transgressions". The world's number one anything would have followers, you would probably hear tales of indiscretion from the World's Number One hotdog eating champion.
Tiger is worth millions, and I'm not afraid to say he is an attractive guy, add superstardom to the mix and what does anyone expect. Show me one celebrity that hasn't strayed from their significant other and I'll show you ten who have. The porn star, well that looks a little bad, but really it should be worked into the pre nup, I am a star and I will do what I want, come along for the ride and live in luxury. Maybe moments that can be degrading, but is it any worse than working ten hours a week, driving a broke down van, and rolling quarters for fuel as the price of gas seems to be set at an eenie meenie miney moe rate.
I'd marry a celebrity, let the cheating begin, just give me a maybach, a couple of mansions, and an allowance and I'd be living the dream.
The notion of an exclusive relationship in this day an age is becoming more and more rare, its like a spotting of bigfoot to see a happy couple that is truthful to each other.
Ahh the celebrities do pay a price for what they have, Mike Tyson in the news again for going a round with the paparazzi, have you seen these guys, they swarm like a lion pride chasing down an injured gazelle, tell me you wouldn't lose patience when you have forty cameras clicking when you go to the store for milk.
The last story I will share before getting back to the daily grind is one that was in the paper last week, but I don't recall the country. I am thinking Kenya, but I could be wrong. Apparently, there are groups of individuals that are literally hunting down overweight people, killing them and selling their fat to Plastic Surgery outfits for use in certain procedures. I'm sorry, this is 2009, are you kidding me, might make you think twice before driving in a triple burger and washing it down with a glass of gravy, you wouldn't need runners world magazine, they must have the fastest population pound for pound in the world. I know I would be in trouble, the milk bags and the muffin tops would provide enough fat for a few weeks worth of procedures that is for sure. Slimfast, ridiculous, but it would be liquid diets all around for the fat guy, geting the snickers at the beach is one thing, but you want to carve me up like xmas turkey, I now have serious reason to put the Twinkies down. Take Care...
J
To start the day off my 2003 Dodge Caravan was being difficult, just like me didn't want to get going at 6am on a cold winter morning, bucking and missing all the way to work, fired up the first cigarette of the day and went to flick the ash, oh yes window was frozen, had to turn the old girl into the world's largest mechanized ash tray. Always an eciting feature when you are looking at putting it up for sale. Very attractive Butane Blue, dented bumper and severley damaged interior which is a story for another day.
Anyway a typical day in the office, conversing with coworkers, some hell bent on playing the sandbox blame game, you know, when the boss asks who's responsible, everyone points in a different direction, and we're talking grown folks.
Nothing worse than when someone tries to pin you with their mistake, that is when you wish you were Adam Sandler in Click, hit the pause button, unleash some Chuck Norris whoop ass, and then hit play.
Tiger Woods in the news again, poor bugger, is anyone surprised that the world number one golfer has had "transgressions". The world's number one anything would have followers, you would probably hear tales of indiscretion from the World's Number One hotdog eating champion.
Tiger is worth millions, and I'm not afraid to say he is an attractive guy, add superstardom to the mix and what does anyone expect. Show me one celebrity that hasn't strayed from their significant other and I'll show you ten who have. The porn star, well that looks a little bad, but really it should be worked into the pre nup, I am a star and I will do what I want, come along for the ride and live in luxury. Maybe moments that can be degrading, but is it any worse than working ten hours a week, driving a broke down van, and rolling quarters for fuel as the price of gas seems to be set at an eenie meenie miney moe rate.
I'd marry a celebrity, let the cheating begin, just give me a maybach, a couple of mansions, and an allowance and I'd be living the dream.
The notion of an exclusive relationship in this day an age is becoming more and more rare, its like a spotting of bigfoot to see a happy couple that is truthful to each other.
Ahh the celebrities do pay a price for what they have, Mike Tyson in the news again for going a round with the paparazzi, have you seen these guys, they swarm like a lion pride chasing down an injured gazelle, tell me you wouldn't lose patience when you have forty cameras clicking when you go to the store for milk.
The last story I will share before getting back to the daily grind is one that was in the paper last week, but I don't recall the country. I am thinking Kenya, but I could be wrong. Apparently, there are groups of individuals that are literally hunting down overweight people, killing them and selling their fat to Plastic Surgery outfits for use in certain procedures. I'm sorry, this is 2009, are you kidding me, might make you think twice before driving in a triple burger and washing it down with a glass of gravy, you wouldn't need runners world magazine, they must have the fastest population pound for pound in the world. I know I would be in trouble, the milk bags and the muffin tops would provide enough fat for a few weeks worth of procedures that is for sure. Slimfast, ridiculous, but it would be liquid diets all around for the fat guy, geting the snickers at the beach is one thing, but you want to carve me up like xmas turkey, I now have serious reason to put the Twinkies down. Take Care...
J
Monday, December 7, 2009
Round 1
Good Evening Everyone,
I created this blog out of a new found interest in stand up comedy. I figured this would be the safest way to test the material before hitting the stage. Hence the name Sit, then Stand Up! Much easier to take some humiliation in the comforts of home with the feet up and a drink, then to be booed, heckled, and the target of flying objects. Only thing worse than that is if the night ends with venue security slapping you in a choke hold and escorting you not so nicely to your car.
I also hope that this blog will put a smile on the reader's face, your time is precious so I do appreciate it, and I will try diligently not to waste it.
Let round one begin.....
I've reached a point in life, call it a quarter life crisis if you will, and I find myself somewhat disappointed with where I'm at. I want to break out of the comfort zone and try something completely new. At thirty three I'm divorced with two small children, and I have been contemplating starting a reality show or writing a book based on my many life experiences.
I grew up in a small community which is now cluddered with neon signs and used car dealerships. I have one older brother and grew up with both parents, and both parents working. We would have been considered middle class.
I have to say that I am truly lucky to be alive today, as I have endured innocently enough, tremendous amounts of punishment at the hands of loved ones.
My brother is a year and a half older than me and even though he was a toddler I think he had a touch of the devil. I mean the dark side force was strong in that one. My mother quite colorfully tells of a day when she was enjoying tea with my grandmother, when all of a sudden out of the corner of her eye she sees the newborn, me, holding those foot long wooden matches, all lit in a bundle about the size of a newspaper. Apparently I was enjoying the light show, but momma came running before I lit myself on fire.
My brother used to tell my mom that he wanted to kiss me goodnight, and at first she thought this was great, until wabaam out of nowhere the sweet brotherly love turns into a Mike Tyson run wild episode. The teeth sunk cleanly into my smooth forehead. This would prove to be a problem for some time.
The matches and the bites were the beginning, mace, mysterious falls from stairs, a fun game of you hide in the box while I whack it with a hammer would follow. Now we have resolved our issues but I didn't come away unscathed.
It wasn't just my brother, my mom was taking my brother and I out for supper one night when she finds herself slipping on a patch of ice outside of the retauraunt. Does she cradle her baby, and take a sore, possibly fractured or broken arm, oh no, baby JJ goes for the first of many flights and lands firmly on the head, supper, not that night, well hospital cafeteria instead of KFC.
Painful, well I don't vividly remember, but I did survive, add on top of this that growing up I was well lets say horizontally challenged. Like the Kelloggs comercial... I have my mother's thighs...I have to accept that. This didn't exactly prove to be an easy way to maneuver through life without being subjected to ridicule and being the bearer of a fair share of jokes. Kids can be cruel.
I have slimmed down in recent years, but the battle of the bulge is one that I continue to fight, far from the first round, now on my way to winning.
I have through years of eating unhealty high fat foods developed the ever embarassing syndrome known simply as Man Boobs. Now I always knew that the pecs were not as tight as desired, but when your three year old daughter tells you that you look like a fat girl, and your five year old calls you jelly jar, its time to consider trading the remote in for the gym membership. I know easier said than done. And hence the reason that I still struggle. The polo shirts are the worst. There should be a warning label for us challenged folk. If you have man boobs, put the shirt down. We appreciate the interest, but its best for the company and yourself if you walk away.
Oh I've tried the short cuts, water diet, soup diet, high carbs, no carbs, powders, pills and creams. My favourite of them all is Slim Fast....really. This little product made some very smart people rich. Was there a mystery behing the system. These people must have a very healty sense of humour. A shake for breakfast, another for lunch and a healthy meal for supper. And I'll lose weight? Uhhh yeah. When you go from having a carton of eggs, pound of bacon, a stack of pancakes drowning in butter and syrup for breakfast, a couple of Mac Donny's cheese burgers and a large fry for lunch washed down with a milk shake, followed by an unhealty supper, then ya just switch to the shakes....how could you not lose?
Anyway I will leave here tonight, not much comedy, but a sense of who I am, Round 2....tomorrow, like Jerry says, take care of yourself and each other, and like JJ says make every day count because tomorrow is not guaranteed....GOODNIGHT!
I created this blog out of a new found interest in stand up comedy. I figured this would be the safest way to test the material before hitting the stage. Hence the name Sit, then Stand Up! Much easier to take some humiliation in the comforts of home with the feet up and a drink, then to be booed, heckled, and the target of flying objects. Only thing worse than that is if the night ends with venue security slapping you in a choke hold and escorting you not so nicely to your car.
I also hope that this blog will put a smile on the reader's face, your time is precious so I do appreciate it, and I will try diligently not to waste it.
Let round one begin.....
I've reached a point in life, call it a quarter life crisis if you will, and I find myself somewhat disappointed with where I'm at. I want to break out of the comfort zone and try something completely new. At thirty three I'm divorced with two small children, and I have been contemplating starting a reality show or writing a book based on my many life experiences.
I grew up in a small community which is now cluddered with neon signs and used car dealerships. I have one older brother and grew up with both parents, and both parents working. We would have been considered middle class.
I have to say that I am truly lucky to be alive today, as I have endured innocently enough, tremendous amounts of punishment at the hands of loved ones.
My brother is a year and a half older than me and even though he was a toddler I think he had a touch of the devil. I mean the dark side force was strong in that one. My mother quite colorfully tells of a day when she was enjoying tea with my grandmother, when all of a sudden out of the corner of her eye she sees the newborn, me, holding those foot long wooden matches, all lit in a bundle about the size of a newspaper. Apparently I was enjoying the light show, but momma came running before I lit myself on fire.
My brother used to tell my mom that he wanted to kiss me goodnight, and at first she thought this was great, until wabaam out of nowhere the sweet brotherly love turns into a Mike Tyson run wild episode. The teeth sunk cleanly into my smooth forehead. This would prove to be a problem for some time.
The matches and the bites were the beginning, mace, mysterious falls from stairs, a fun game of you hide in the box while I whack it with a hammer would follow. Now we have resolved our issues but I didn't come away unscathed.
It wasn't just my brother, my mom was taking my brother and I out for supper one night when she finds herself slipping on a patch of ice outside of the retauraunt. Does she cradle her baby, and take a sore, possibly fractured or broken arm, oh no, baby JJ goes for the first of many flights and lands firmly on the head, supper, not that night, well hospital cafeteria instead of KFC.
Painful, well I don't vividly remember, but I did survive, add on top of this that growing up I was well lets say horizontally challenged. Like the Kelloggs comercial... I have my mother's thighs...I have to accept that. This didn't exactly prove to be an easy way to maneuver through life without being subjected to ridicule and being the bearer of a fair share of jokes. Kids can be cruel.
I have slimmed down in recent years, but the battle of the bulge is one that I continue to fight, far from the first round, now on my way to winning.
I have through years of eating unhealty high fat foods developed the ever embarassing syndrome known simply as Man Boobs. Now I always knew that the pecs were not as tight as desired, but when your three year old daughter tells you that you look like a fat girl, and your five year old calls you jelly jar, its time to consider trading the remote in for the gym membership. I know easier said than done. And hence the reason that I still struggle. The polo shirts are the worst. There should be a warning label for us challenged folk. If you have man boobs, put the shirt down. We appreciate the interest, but its best for the company and yourself if you walk away.
Oh I've tried the short cuts, water diet, soup diet, high carbs, no carbs, powders, pills and creams. My favourite of them all is Slim Fast....really. This little product made some very smart people rich. Was there a mystery behing the system. These people must have a very healty sense of humour. A shake for breakfast, another for lunch and a healthy meal for supper. And I'll lose weight? Uhhh yeah. When you go from having a carton of eggs, pound of bacon, a stack of pancakes drowning in butter and syrup for breakfast, a couple of Mac Donny's cheese burgers and a large fry for lunch washed down with a milk shake, followed by an unhealty supper, then ya just switch to the shakes....how could you not lose?
Anyway I will leave here tonight, not much comedy, but a sense of who I am, Round 2....tomorrow, like Jerry says, take care of yourself and each other, and like JJ says make every day count because tomorrow is not guaranteed....GOODNIGHT!
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