Round 1

Good Evening Everyone,

I created this blog out of a new found interest in stand up comedy. I figured this would be the safest way to test the material before hitting the stage. Hence the name Sit, then Stand Up! Much easier to take some humiliation in the comforts of home with the feet up and a drink, then to be booed, heckled, and the target of flying objects. Only thing worse than that is if the night ends with venue security slapping you in a choke hold and escorting you not so nicely to your car.

I also hope that this blog will put a smile on the reader's face, your time is precious so I do appreciate it, and I will try diligently not to waste it.

Let round one begin.....

I've reached a point in life, call it a quarter life crisis if you will, and I find myself somewhat disappointed with where I'm at. I want to break out of the comfort zone and try something completely new. At thirty three I'm divorced with two small children, and I have been contemplating starting a reality show or writing a book based on my many life experiences.

I grew up in a small community which is now cluddered with neon signs and used car dealerships. I have one older brother and grew up with both parents, and both parents working. We would have been considered middle class.

I have to say that I am truly lucky to be alive today, as I have endured innocently enough, tremendous amounts of punishment at the hands of loved ones.

My brother is a year and a half older than me and even though he was a toddler I think he had a touch of the devil. I mean the dark side force was strong in that one. My mother quite colorfully tells of a day when she was enjoying tea with my grandmother, when all of a sudden out of the corner of her eye she sees the newborn, me, holding those foot long wooden matches, all lit in a bundle about the size of a newspaper. Apparently I was enjoying the light show, but momma came running before I lit myself on fire.

My brother used to tell my mom that he wanted to kiss me goodnight, and at first she thought this was great, until wabaam out of nowhere the sweet brotherly love turns into a Mike Tyson run wild episode. The teeth sunk cleanly into my smooth forehead. This would prove to be a problem for some time.

The matches and the bites were the beginning, mace, mysterious falls from stairs, a fun game of you hide in the box while I whack it with a hammer would follow. Now we have resolved our issues but I didn't come away unscathed.

It wasn't just my brother, my mom was taking my brother and I out for supper one night when she finds herself slipping on a patch of ice outside of the retauraunt. Does she cradle her baby, and take a sore, possibly fractured or broken arm, oh no, baby JJ goes for the first of many flights and lands firmly on the head, supper, not that night, well hospital cafeteria instead of KFC.

Painful, well I don't vividly remember, but I did survive, add on top of this that growing up I was well lets say horizontally challenged. Like the Kelloggs comercial... I have my mother's thighs...I have to accept that. This didn't exactly prove to be an easy way to maneuver through life without being subjected to ridicule and being the bearer of a fair share of jokes. Kids can be cruel.

I have slimmed down in recent years, but the battle of the bulge is one that I continue to fight, far from the first round, now on my way to winning.

I have through years of eating unhealty high fat foods developed the ever embarassing syndrome known simply as Man Boobs. Now I always knew that the pecs were not as tight as desired, but when your three year old daughter tells you that you look like a fat girl, and your five year old calls you jelly jar, its time to consider trading the remote in for the gym membership. I know easier said than done. And hence the reason that I still struggle. The polo shirts are the worst. There should be a warning label for us challenged folk. If you have man boobs, put the shirt down. We appreciate the interest, but its best for the company and yourself if you walk away.

Oh I've tried the short cuts, water diet, soup diet, high carbs, no carbs, powders, pills and creams. My favourite of them all is Slim Fast....really. This little product made some very smart people rich. Was there a mystery behing the system. These people must have a very healty sense of humour. A shake for breakfast, another for lunch and a healthy meal for supper. And I'll lose weight? Uhhh yeah. When you go from having a carton of eggs, pound of bacon, a stack of pancakes drowning in butter and syrup for breakfast, a couple of Mac Donny's cheese burgers and a large fry for lunch washed down with a milk shake, followed by an unhealty supper, then ya just switch to the shakes....how could you not lose?

Anyway I will leave here tonight, not much comedy, but a sense of who I am, Round 2....tomorrow, like Jerry says, take care of yourself and each other, and like JJ says make every day count because tomorrow is not guaranteed....GOODNIGHT!